


Her Point of Light

by MsYukari



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Smut, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Memory Loss, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:27:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28303812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsYukari/pseuds/MsYukari
Summary: A slight AU Christmas fic where Kath Maxwell aka Joan Ferguson never fully regained her memory. Vera never spit bagged her, and Kath/Joan was released from prison with all charges dropped. Kath is feeling lonely during the holiday, and thinks that the only person who can help her during this time, is Vera.
Relationships: Vera Bennett/Joan Ferguson, Vera Bennett/Kath Maxwell
Comments: 10
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

Kath Maxwell sat down at the kitchen table, contemplating what she wanted to have for dinner. Her home was slightly familiar but still so very foreign to her. She found some design choices weren’t to her liking, and almost everything about Joan Ferguson seemed so… cold. It had only been a few months since she’d been released from Wentworth, and she didn’t quite know how to pick up her life again. 

While legally she was still Joan Ferguson, she was nothing like her, at least she didn’t think she was. There were dreams she had that she believed were memories, but they were fleeting, and too fuzzy to remember. Every so often a feeling or a particular smell would bring back some kind of familiarity, but she was never sure why. 

She ran her fingers through her hair, and a feeling of melancholy came over her. It was Christmas Eve and she had no one to spend it with. Glancing at her pet goldfish, she didn’t know why she loved the fish so much, but sometimes she wished she had a dog or a cat. They could give her the affection and unconditional love she needed during this time. She had no family, and no one she used to be in touch with wanted anything to do with her. Not that Joan Ferguson had a large social circle, but Kath didn’t have any connection to them. 

She walked over and smiled at the little goldfish, happy that she didn’t have to hide one anymore. This one was safe in her fishbowl, and Kath somewhat envied the simple life the fish had. No one to reject it, and no feelings of guilt and depression… or loneliness.

Her stomach growled, interrupting her silent reverie. Looking on her phone, she googled any places doing takeaway at this time. Even though she knew she could cook, she just didn’t have it in her to do that for herself tonight. She just wanted to enjoy a meal and watch something relaxing on TV. A glass of wine and a good film or book sounded very tempting right now. When she chose a little Chinese restaurant that was still delivering, she ordered enough for tonight and tomorrow for leftovers. 

_Even if it is enough to feed a family of two or three, at least I don’t have to worry about Christmas dinner either._

She hesitated before she put her phone away, thinking of one family in particular that she couldn’t get out of her head. She began to type in the familiar number, and hoped that it would just go straight to voicemail. She didn’t want to upset the younger woman, but also wanted to hear Vera’s voice again. She didn’t remember her as Kath, at least not fully. But some part of her body remembered. She thought back to when Vera was so close, her lips inches from hers, and Kath wanted nothing more than to kiss her in that moment. There was something about Vera that she knew was the key to who she was, no matter what the outcome would be for her.

She took a deep breath and dialed her number. It rang a few times before she heard a soft, “Hello?”

Kath stopped breathing for a few seconds, listening to Vera as she spoke again. There was a sigh on the other end and Kath forced herself to say something.

“Vera,” she said quietly.

There was silence until Vera said, “Joan?”

“Yes, it's me. Please don’t hang up,” she said, wincing at how pathetic she sounded. She couldn’t help it, she just needed to speak to her.

“What do you want?” 

“Um, that’s the thing. I’m not quite sure. I just, uh… I wanted to--”

“Look, I _really_ don’t have the patience for this Joan. Please call someone else who actually cares,” she said coldly.

“Vera, please I just want to talk to you. I know that Joan hurt you… that I hurt you, but I don’t remember any of it. I only have what you’ve told me.”

“Oh, come on not this again. Would you cut the bullshit already? Isn’t it enough that you got away with everything?! Please just leave me alone!”

Kath’s lip trembled, feeling a deep hurt inside her heart. She knew there was so much more to their relationship than Vera led her to believe. Her heart knew it, but it was so frustrating that she couldn’t remember.

“Vera, I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. I’m not Joan Ferguson anymore. She’s gone. She has been since the day I woke up. Please believe me,” she said.

Vera didn’t say anything for a few seconds, and then let out a deep breath. “She won’t ever be gone. She’s somewhere inside you, and if I get close to you again, I’m just going to regret it. You destroy everything you touch.”

Kath’s breath itched, a tear rolling down her cheek. “Please let me make it right. I don’t know how I can, but I promise you that I’m different. I’m alone here, and you’re the only one that I know… the only number I have. Even when you were angry with me at Wentworth, I still felt some kind of comfort, something that was meaningful to me.”

“Joan, I don’t think we should keep--”

“It’s you. It’ll always be you. You’ll always be that point of light for me,” Kath whispered.

Vera didn’t say a word, and if it wasn’t for her soft breathing, she'd think she hung up. “Vera, I--”

“Kath, she was always that light for me. Before things ended between us and went too far... well, she was everything to me. And no matter how hard I try, I haven’t been able to forget her... or rather, haven't been able to forget you. Why else do you think I treated you with so much animosity?”

Kath nodded. “I know, it makes sense now. Do you think you and I could, um, get to know each other?”

“Joan, I already know who you are, so I’m not sure how we could. I have to get back to Grace.”

“I don’t even know who I am, other than everything I’ve heard. Can you tell me more about me? About us? Whatever that entails,” Kath said.

“I don’t know if I can. It’s too painful, and I still don’t trust you.”

“Vera, please believe me when I say I don’t remember anything. I just want to start new, if you’ll let me,” she pleaded.

“I want to, but I’m not sure how,” she said quietly, a slight tremor to her voice.

“This might sound presumptuous, but it’s Christmas Eve and I don’t want to be alone. I think I’ve always been alone, and I know that I’ve hurt you. I think in some way I probably deserve this. But please... just come over and have dinner with me. It would be nice to see you and Grace.”

“It’s been a long time since we spent Christmas together,” Vera said softly.

Kath was sad that she couldn’t remember. For once it would be nice to hear positive things about who she was. “It doesn’t have to continue that way. This will technically be my first Christmas with you. Please, Vera.”

“It was always hard to say no to you. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my emotions too, but you manage to get to me every time. I know you don’t remember, and that’s part of what scares me too. This is new to me as well. If you don’t mind Grace, then I’ll be there in about 15-20 minutes.”

Kath smiled, feeling relieved that Vera would give her another chance. “Thank you, Vera. Please take your time, and I’ll see you soon.”

She placed her phone on the couch, suddenly very anxious now that this was really happening. She quickly walked outside and clipped a few roses. She had a strange feeling of nostalgia as she stared at the rose, gently stroking the petals. There was a sudden flash in her mind of handing Vera some roses, remembering a feeling of warmth and love. It was fuzzy, just like her dreams but a little more tangible. It was gone before she could get a full grasp of it. But there was one thing she knew now for certain.

_Joan Ferguson loved her. I don’t remember, but I know that some part of me loves her too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I hope people enjoyed the first chapter of this fic. I'll see if I can finish it sometime when I get a break later tonight or tomorrow on Christmas. I hope everyone has a safe holiday and I'll try to update this ASAP for the holiday season. <3


	2. Chapter 2

Kath smoothed her hair and put on a little mascara and lipstick. She pursed her lips and rolled her eyes. Vera probably wouldn’t even care what she looked like, but still Kath wanted to feel attractive. 

Did Joan keep any perfume in her home? She searched her bedroom and found one bottle of Dior J’Adore. She dabbled a little on her wrists and neck, and jumped when she heard the doorbell ring. 

Taking a deep breath, she pulled open the door. “Merry Christmas V--”

“Good evening. Your total comes to... $45.63.”

Her smile faded and she blushed in embarrassment at the delivery person. “Um, thank you. Here you go,” she said and handed him some cash.

“Thanks for the tip. By the way, you look a little familiar. Did you--”

“Thank you very much! Have a nice Christmas,” she said hastily, shutting the door. She sighed and rested her head against the door. Even though all charges against her had been dropped, she forever lived in the shadow of what Joan Ferguson did. She wasn’t always recognized but lived in this sense of confusion, fear, and anxiety over being recognized by a complete stranger for her crimes, or worse… being recognized by someone she, or rather Joan, once knew.

This was her life now, and she knew she had to get used to it, no matter how lonely it was. She placed the Chinese food onto her kitchen table. She was eating her feelings with comfort food lately but she didn’t care. She began to set the table, deciding to light a few candles to add a more soothing and intimate setting for them. 

Glancing at the time, she figured Vera would be arriving anytime now. Her smile faded when another thought occurred to her. 

_What if she doesn’t show up? I suppose I can’t blame her if she didn’t._

Still the very thought brought her a great feeling of sadness. Maybe she was going to too much trouble for the younger woman only to be disappointed later. 

The doorbell rang and she brushed her hands through her hair before she opened the door.

Vera stood holding baby Grace, and Kath smiled softly. “Please come in. I’m happy you’re here.”

Vera stepped in slowly, looking around as she held Grace. “Your place is still the same,” she said, raising her brow.

“I was hoping it might jog my memory, but now I think I might have to change a few things.”

Grace stared at Kath, making a soft but curious cooing sound. “She seems to like you. She doesn’t always act this happy around strangers,” Vera said dryly. 

Kath smiled and reached her hand out to stroke Grace’s soft hair, but hesitated as she began to pull her hand back. Vera watched this with an unreadable expression.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that without permission.”

Vera sighed. “No, it’s okay. I actually forgot her car seat in the car, and just in case she gets restless and wants to sleep, I should have that out. Would you, um, mind holding her while I do that?” 

Kath’s mouth dropped open. “Um… okay, are you sure?” 

Vera nodded and placed Grace into her arms. “Yes, I’ll be right back.”

Grace began to cry as Vera walked away, turning to look at Kath with a combination of curiosity and uncertainty. “Shh, it’s okay. Mummy will be back,” she soothed, lifting her hand to stroke her back. Kath began to hum, what kind of tune she wasn’t sure. Grace stopped crying as she relaxed in her arms, staring at Kath in wonder.

Kath smiled gently. “Remember me,” she sang softly. 

Vera walked up with the car seat, and stopped and observed Joan with her daughter. The older woman was smiling and singing to her quietly. Vera listened carefully and thought she could make out what sounded like… Dido’s Lament. She walked up to them, and Joan smiled at her. Vera furrowed her brow as she placed her hand on her daughter’s back.

“What is it?” Kath asked, her expression confused.

“That was one of your favorite pieces of music,” Vera said quietly. She looked into Kath’s soft and dark eyes. They were Joan’s eyes but Vera knew there was something different about her. 

“It was?” Her eyes were unfocused as if she was trying to remember. Vera smiled sadly. This really wasn’t the Joan she knew. She didn’t know whether to be sad or relieved by that.

“Yes, you told me you always found comfort in it. You loved opera and classical. I would often find you just in your study with your eyes closed completely lost in the music.”

Kath cleared her throat. “I wish I remembered more,” she said. Grace reached for her mother, and Kath handed her back to Vera.

“I know,” Vera said quietly, as she sat down on the couch with Grace in her lap.

Kath sat across from her and lifted her leg under her. Her eyes were sad but soft as she looked at Vera. “May I ask you something about us?”

Vera let out a long and deep breath, as if she’d been holding it. “Yes, what would you like to know?”

“When we were together, were we happy? Were you happy?”

Thoughts and memories filled her mind as Vera remembered their relationship. The intense emotions, passionate sex, the tense arguments, the anger and manipulation even then, and the times Joan was so protective and tender she was almost like a different person. She didn’t know if she was happy exactly, but she was very content. 

She slowly nodded. “Yes, I was happy. I believe you were too, or as happy as you could be.” She loved Joan, still loved her actually despite also falling in love with Jake. She remembered how their relationship first fell apart and when Joan pushed Jake into her arms. Angry and betrayed, she wanted to ruin Vera, but she didn’t expect that Jake and Vera would fall for each other. That was the worst hurt for Joan, the ultimate betrayal. Joan didn’t want Vera to be happy, and if she couldn’t be happy with her, then she couldn’t be happy with anyone else. 

Despite knowing all this, Vera still loved her. She placed a sleepy Grace into her car seat, gently stroking her face and kissing her forehead. She turned towards Kath. “You did everything you could to hurt me, you know that? Everything you could.”

Kath swallowed, feeling uncomfortable but still willing to listen. “I’m sorry that I don’t remember.”

Vera nodded. “Me too, because it makes it harder to stay so angry with you when you can’t remember anything.”

Kath slowly moved her hand out, hesitating before she took Vera’s hand into her own. “I don’t remember everything, but somehow I know how much I cared about you.”

Vera felt déjà vu, and tried to blink back the tears now welling up in her eyes. “I know,” Vera whispered, and Kath inched closer and cupped Vera’s face in her hands. She stared into her eyes and caressed her cheeks, wiping away her tears.

“Please don’t,” Vera said, looking away.

Kath leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead and eyelids, her cheeks, and the corner of her mouth. Vera’s breath hitched and she placed her hands around Kath’s wrists. “I’m sorry, I should have protected you in the end,” Vera finally said, feeling extreme guilt on her shoulders over Joan’s lynching and being buried alive. She never wanted her to remember those horrible things, or that she tried to cover up what Will really did. 

“I don’t understand,” Kath said. Vera stroked her wrists and looked into her eyes. They were sad but confused, trying so hard to know what Vera was talking about.

“I know. It’s probably better that way,” she said. Kath stroked her cheek, and Vera trembled as she felt her lips on hers. Soft and tender lips that slowly moved under hers, and Vera felt like everything from before slipped away, and it was just like old times. Just her and Joan.

She sighed into her mouth and wrapped her arms around her, kissing her passionately. Kath was breathless as she pulled away. “Vera… did you love me?”

Vera hated her for asking, but most of all she hated herself… because she would forever love this woman, no matter who she was. She nodded. “I did. I still love you. But I don’t want you to hurt me again. I don’t think we can ever go back.”

A tear slipped down Kath’s cheek. “Maybe we can’t, but just for Christmas, maybe we can enjoy each other’s company.”

Vera’s hands shook, and she reached over to hug Kath tightly. She missed Joan so much, trying not to break down crying as she inhaled the sweet scent of her hair and Dior. Joan always used to wear that perfume, and it gave her such a feeling of longing. She missed when Joan used to stare at her with such desire and tenderness. She never told Vera that she loved her, but she knew Joan did in her own way. And that was enough for Vera. She sighed and kissed Kath’s neck, pulling back to look at her.

“I’m sure we can,” she whispered and Kath smiled and kissed her again. Vera moaned softly into her mouth and ran her fingers through her hair.

Kath held her close, kissing her more deeply and passionately, and she felt a feeling of love and comfort as if she was finally coming home where she was always meant to be. As they kissed, a few images appeared in Kath’s mind. One of Vera laughing, Vera flirtatiously waggling her eyebrows in bed, and Vera undulating and writhing in pleasure, her soft cries now filling Kath’s ears. She realized that she was remembering and she broke their kiss, looking down at Vera.

“Vera… I r-remember something,” she said, and while she didn’t remember everything that could explain the last few months, she did remember her love for Vera. 

Vera stared at her in shock, her body tensing under hers. “W-what do you remember?”

Joan’s eyes were soft. “I remember being in bed with you and reading a book as we listened to music. The times we made love and how tight you held me. I only remember my time with you.”

Vera breathed and relaxed under her. “Just with me?”

Joan nodded and kissed her neck. “Yes, I remember every little detail of your body. Every touch, every kiss,” she whispered, kissing her neck. “For now, that’s all that matters.”

Vera wondered how long that would last, but for now she reveled in the soft and tender touches, and Joan’s hands that moved under her top and caressed her breasts. She moaned at the feeling of soft and smooth skin against hers. Their breasts touched as they moved together, kissing each other slowly and deeply. 

Joan gently bit Vera’s lip, kissing her again before she trailed down and placed soft open mouth kisses on her neck and collarbone. She looked into Vera’s eyes, her hair falling over her face. Vera remembered this look every time Joan made love to her, the softness of her hair touching her skin and her dark eyes staring right into her soul.

She kissed her again, and Vera felt fingertips slip inside her underwear, gasping at the touch. She looked into Joan’s eyes again as she watched her intently, studying her while she traced her finger over her clit and circled it slowly.

Vera’s hand slid inside her underwear and Joan stiffened at the touch. “Is that okay?” She asked, unsure why she was asking with Joan already touching her clit.

Joan bit her lip, closing her eyes. “It’s just… it’s been so long since you touched me. My body has ached for you… and I never knew why I felt this longing ache inside me until now.”

Vera felt a little emotional as she slowly slid two fingers inside Joan, listening to the older woman moan. Vera didn’t think she’d ever feel Joan again, and she never wanted to forget this night. Joan’s eyes were half lidded as she looked down at Vera and began to rub her clit a little faster, following Vera’s movements and listening to her moans and pants.

Slowly undulating on her fingers, she held Vera close and kissed her neck, biting gently as she felt her orgasm building. Joan thrust two fingers inside Vera, making the smaller woman cry out as she shuddered under her. Joan smiled when Vera climaxed, kissing her hard as she followed with her own orgasm. Joan trembled against her, trying to catch her breath as she held Vera in her arms, kissing her gently.

Vera was breathing heavily, holding Joan close against her and stroking her hair. She looked down and blushed deeply when she remembered Grace was in her car seat next to them. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw she was still fast asleep.

“What’s the matter?” Joan asked, stroking her arm. 

“Oh, nothing, I just forgot about Grace.” 

Joan chuckled. “She’ll be okay.” Joan lifted her head and looked at her seriously.

“I’d like to see more of her… and you, if you’ll allow me. Not just tonight and tomorrow.”

Vera stroked her hair. “Okay,” she said simply.

Joan smiled and kissed her. “I know we’ll have a lot more to talk about later but for right now, I just want to remember us like this, my point of light. Merry Christmas, Vera.” 

Vera smiled back, pulling her down again to kiss her more passionately. “Me too. Merry Christmas, Joan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this little fic, and that everyone had a nice and safe holiday and New Year! :)


End file.
